Always

It started off so well
They said we made a perfect pair
I clothed myself in your glory and your love
How I loved you,
How I cried...
The years of care and loyalty
Were nothing but a sham it seems
The years belie we lived a lie
I love you 'til I die
Save, save, save me
I can't face this life alone
Save, save, save you...
I'm naked and I'm far from home

The slate will soon be clean
I'll erase the memories
To start again with somebody new
Was it all wasted,
All that love?
I hang my head and I advertise
A soul for sale or rent
I have no heart I'm cold inside
I have no real intent
Save, save, save me
I can't face this life alone
Save, save, ooooohhhhh...
I'm naked and I'm far from home

Each night I cry I still believe the lie
I'll love you, 'till I die

Save, save, ohhhhhh, save me
Don't let me face my life alone
Save, save, ooh...
I'm naked and I'm far from home

slau | 4:49 PM

So the second period of Common Tests starts tomorrow, and I can confidently say that...

I am as ill-prepared as I was fo the JC1 CT1, and putting it simply, I didn't really do very well that time. So I'm fearing the worst this time around, because the A's are really damn near and because these exams have taken on a whole new significance since I have so much to prove this time around; to my parents, my friends and to myself as well.

Mugging came to the fore yesterday when i actually stayed in school til 8 to study. I must be going crazy, but I should get used to it asap I guess cos it's going to be the norm in days to come haha. Got a plan in place and I intend to execute it.

Getting a short break from school with the u19 trip up to JB from the 8th to the 12th of July, and thank God I'm not in the senior team! I think I would've just died under all the criticism that was bound to come my way -.- at least with the juniors I can be myself for those 5 days :D too bad we had to lose guys like Zul Andrew and Leo :/

Ah well, a short reprieve is ended by my having to go back to mugging for now -.-

I've got some imperfections,
but how can you collect them all and throw them in my face?

slau | 7:31 PM

Only into the second day of solitude and already her absence is unbearable. Please come back, we'll sort this out somehow.

slau | 7:02 PM

So I was thinking, what maybe could've been going through Jim Atkins' mind when he penned 'Kill' from OTH? Maybe something like this...?

I've exhausted every possible option I have but she still can't see the truth. Maybe I have to do it in a song if she really is so blind to reality!

And so he starts putting his thoughts and feelings into words:

Kill
by Jimmy Eat World

Well, you're just across the street;
Looks a mile to my feet;
I wanna go to you.
-Yeah, funny how a few tables' worth of space can feel like an eternity to traverse. But I'd still do it to get to you.
Funny how I'm nervous still,
I've always been the easy kill;
I guess I always will.
-But even then, my fears always end up getting the better of me, whatever the circumstances. And how can they not, when everything she does just seems to confirm my suspicions? It isn't hard to shatter my confidence, and to make me feel as if I've done something wrong. Because I've been a mistake for years. Thanks for putting me in many an awkward situation.

Could it be that everything goes 'round by chance,
Chance,
Chance?
-Obviously meeting her was as much a chance encounter as anyone would ever get. I didn't even say anything to her during the first rock concert, or any other CCA meetings. How ironic that the first conversation I started with her was geared toward helping a friend.
Or only one way that it was always meant to be,
Be?
-And with no other links or connections to hold on to, obviously anyone would think that this was destined to fail.
You kill me you always know the perfect thing to say,
Hey hey,
Hey hey.
-She always does, every single time. Maybe she hasn't heard that actions speak louder than words?
I know what I should do but I just,
Can't walk,
Away.
-I can't, never will easily, unless it's what she wants. Which may be a distinct possibility now. There's no knowing what I would do if it really happens. This is not a threat, this is an actuality.

I can picture your face well,
From the bar in my hotel.
-Yeah, probably having fun with a people so much cooler than me.
I wish I'd go to you.
I pick up, put down the phone.
Like your favorite Heatmiser song goes,
It's just like being alone.
-Alone, even when she claims that she'll be there for me. That just won't cut it, really. I can say I'll be there for anyone, but will I?

Oh God, please don't tell me this has been in vain,
Vain.
-Looking stupid, crying my eyes out, spending days on end fretting about the situation, what more does she want from me? What more can I give?
I need answers for what all the waiting I've done means,
Means.
-And even now I wait, to see whether absence really makes the heart grow fonder. Because from past experiences with her, it sure as hell hasn't. Why? Because she has one too many substitutes for a 'friend' like me!
You kill me, you've got some nerve but can't face your mistakes,
-You can only blame your problems on my world for so long
Before it all becomes the same old song

Hey hey,
Hey hey.
I know what I should do but I just, Can't turn,Away,
Away,
Away.

So go on, love,
Leave while there's still hope for escape.
-She probably should have even before the first ties were forged if she never was going to think of me as a real friend.
You gotta take what you can these days;
There's so much ahead and,
So much regret.
-For all the time I've spent, and all my wasted feelings.
I know what you wanna say,
I know what you wanna say,
-I do, really. Who can't tell that she wants to end this!? It's written all over her face! Call me deranged, psychotic, mad. Anything just to prove that I'm the one who's been in the wrong all the while right!? Yeah sure I started it by trying to make moves on her right!?
I know it, but can't help feeling differently,
I loved you,
And I should have said it,
But tell me, just what has it ever meant?
-Exactly that.

I can't help it baby, this is who I am,
Am.
-Someone who actually wants to salvage this friendship. Someone who cannot believe that all this while she was just leading him on. Someone who just wanted to be a friend, is that so wrong!?
I'm sorry but I can't just go turn off how I feel,
Feel.
-She expects me not to be hurt even when the truest of my intentions have been misinterpreted and distorted to an unrecognisable extent. As if she's the only one who can feel sad?
You kill me, you build me up,
But just to watch me break.
-I thought I had a friend to depend on in her. But obviously she has other priorities; too many in fact. Just take advantage of my over reliance now, remove my foundation, erase eveything I believed in.
Hey hey,
Hey hey.
I know what I should do but I just,
Can't walk,Away...

For everything that has been said, there is always twice as much that has been hidden underneath the surface. I cannot find the words to express how distraught, hurt and pained by everything that has happened. Why try to second-guess me? Why doubt whatever I say? Why expose my frailties to people whom it doesn't even concern?

You say you care, you say you want to bother, but talking online every day just isn't a reasonable measure of any kind of friendship really. I have sacrificed, and I am willing to sacrifice so much more, and I don't ask for the same rate of returns, but just a portion. Is that so hard to give?

Even when the opportunity is there, you don't even want to take it. Even when it's right in front of you. Even at the expense of looking weird, and feeling out of place, I still tried my best to make you feel that I was someone that you could depend on, other than your usual group of friends. You say you know that, then why don't you respond to it? Why do I feel like a wasted resource just waiting to be made use of but overlooked time and time again?

And don't blame my supposedly 'cool' friends because it's not their fault. You have your own 'cool' friends as well, and I disregarded any uneasiness so many a time. Sometimes when you really want to get something done, you find that there are so many barriers you would be willing to traverse. But I don't think you have the will to do the same for me.

And it's not as if I don't know where to put a stop to it. I didn't gatecrash your post-finals celebrations even though wang encouraged me to. I don't try to force myself into any one of your cliques. I just kept on asking, time and again, when it seemed as if you had some of it to spare. But I just got the same, old rejection almost every time.

Why!? You keep comparing me to people like your classmates, who see you almost every day of the week. Your clique sees you every morning, and every time they decide to have a gathering. But what about me? I have no connections, so it's obviously going to be damn bloody hard to get any opportunity to spend time with you. But do you take that into account?

Sometimes you just have to admit that you're just too popular to avoid neglecting someone out of your social circle like me. I've tried my best to fit in, I don't think I'm half as friendless as I make myself out to be sometimes. But I am more than willing to sacrifice time with any one of them if you need me to.

But for you, it's a totally different scenario isn't it?

The bottom line is, you say you care. You may even believe that you do. But in spite of all the nights that you've forced yourself to stay up talking to me, do you really?

slau | 6:19 PM

So I'm supposedly mad now, just because I don't want someone to see me sulk. Has sulking become such a major part of my life?

FUCK I am so bloody pissed. Why do people like to walk all over me? Even the one I used to think of as probably my best friend. Sigh.

I'm always stuck being second best. Even as a friend.

You kill me. YOU KILL ME!

Or maybe I should just KILL MYSELF. What the fuck is the worth in living if I can't even keep my friends!? And what chance do I have of keeping friends if EVERY ONE OF MY FRIENDS THINKS I'M TRYING SOMETHING FUNNY ONCE I TRY TO ESTABLISH A RELATIONSHIP!? A PLATONIC RELATIONSHIP!

I am SO FUCKING PISSED!!!!!

Why do girls have to keep GOSSIPING ALL THE TIME!?

What is the difference between other guys and myself!? Damn it, and she doesn't even seem like she wants to make anything of this friendship at all.

"Orh okay."

"I don't know!"

"I'm just pretending to talk to you because I don't want you to get pissed at me and do whatever whatever and cause me somemore trouble."

WHY DON'T YOU JUST SAY HOW YOU REALLY FUCKING FEEL!?

INSTEAD OF TELLING OTHER PEOPLE HOW FUCKED UP I AM!?

slau | 6:20 PM

Don't read too deeply into her actions, she says?

I don't have to do that to see how much she enjoys talking to other people. Other guys even. Can even sense her cringe whenever we have a conversation. Why am I the guy who has to give her room anyway? Still don't get what it was that I was doing, even til now. I see the way she behaves while with certain guys, and I just bring myself to accept that many people have double standards when it comes to their friends. Or am I even a friend given the circumstances? Am I a friend of someone who doesn't even want me around?

Sure the niceness seemed to come through when I really was damn pissed or damn emo. But now that I seem to have maybe been placeted a little, things have just gone back to normal. How did things ever become so bad between us? Maybe it was the day she removed the veil from her eyes to see who I truly was for the first time.

slau | 8:20 PM

Call me lag, call me slow but what matters is that I've finally gotten my hands on MLB '09 THE SHOW! :D got it saved in my psp's umd thanks to Gerann, no thanks to the awful long ang agonizing lie-ridden wait I had to endure to get it back though -.-

And damn it my joystick is seriously hampering my play I can hardly throw any inside/outside high strikes and when I forget to change to the arrow keys while fielding I end up getting my players WALKING FOR A FLY BALL WHICH ENDS UP A GROUND-RULE DOUBLE WHEN IT COULD'VE BEEN THE INNING ENDING OUT! VERY PISSING!

But heck it's a great game neways :D adapting is all part of the job, slau. Helps you with your anger management in that if I actually smash it on the floor when it pisses me off, I end up without the cake anyway. Can't have the cake and smash it can you?

Well kill me if you will but I did away with all the old and aged players in my roster the first thing I did, which was to start a season with the Bronx Bombers. Out went Posada and yes, even Rivera and (I think) Molina, and their replacements K-Rod and Gio Soto, a whole 20 years of age gained :D happy happy! Signed Orlando Cabrera and Adam Bunn to bolster my infield and outfield respectively got Bred Gardner srsly just DOES NOT cut it as a starting/relief outfielder! TOO SLOW and batting just SUCKS big time man! Not good, and Nick Swisher isn't all that great either. Planning to trade Johnny Damon and Matsui soon too, but it's really hard to do a deal in this game, as a gauge Seattle didn't even accept my trade for A-Rod for Ichiro! :O waturf!!?!

Signed Ben Sheets too to strengthen my bullpen. Looking pretty good so far eh?

Had to stop my first spring training game with Toronto halfway cos I have to study now xD Down 5-4 in the 6th but only because I haven't gotten used to using my arrow keys for fielding -.- really damn troublesome cos I keep forgetting to switch between the joystick and the arrow buttons after I set the pitch. Sheets is doing pretty well so far, won't be counting his ERA cos of the stupid defects but at least he managed 5 and 2/3 innings with 4 K's. Soto's 1 for 3 in this game with an RBI double, and Dunn and Cabrera are probably gonna come in later for me to get a better look at them. Hope this team comes along well lol.

slau | 8:28 PM

That's what I am, damn tired. There's no two ways about it, I'm just really damn freaking shag and wiped out. But I can't afford to rest now can I, there's just so much to prove for this exams. I daren't even think of the consequences of me screwing up this time.

Things just get so much more complicated when you fancy someone you're close to; so many more rules come into play, because there's just so much more at stake compared to when you're going after some random girl you just think is pretty. You assume that being a good friend, you'd know everything about the person. But nothing is given when it comes to affection. People turn ugly lots of times, and I'm not sure if it's a good thing or not that it hasn't been her who's taken a turn for the worse, but me.

So now I've just got to put it all aside, for now. Until the time comes when the impending disappointment and misery will not have anything else to take a toll on like studies. But the A's are just so so far away right now...

Well, sucks to me then that you can't choose who you love.

slau | 9:45 PM

jing says:
oh ya
ok fine HAHAHA
sry la brain not working.
ok wait. what brain -_-
slau says:
HAHAHA u suan yrself one
jing says:
HAHA YA I DROPPED IT ON THE STREETS TODAY Dxxx

slau | 12:36 AM

So what ended as a shit day yesterday started as a shit day today and looks like it'll end as a really really shitty day today as well. I guess I couldn't have expected otherwise, my life has really been quite shit right now.

I've heard it been said that you choose your friends. Somehow I would like to beg to differ, and the events that transpired over the past few days could not have convinced me otherwise. I mean, what can I do when people just don't want to be around me? I can be everything that I was meant to be, but if people just aren't alright with who I am at heart, then I guess that's an issue I'd have to take out with God, or Satan, depending on what beliefs I still hold when I jump off from somewhere high enough to shatter my skull.

For now, I just found out that poking oneself with a mechanical pencil can be just as effective at inflicting pain as a penknife. Given my distaste for blood, a penknife wouldn't have been a very viable option as I might well faint before any real hurt is administered, but I realised today that if you use enough strength, and continue doing it for about half an hour like how I did during tuition just now, you end up getting lots of really painful red welts wherever you intend to inflict pain.

Back to friends then. Having gone from "I'll be there for you!" to "I'm here for you, but what's the point if you don't want my help?" to "Hello? Do I still matter anymore?" to "Er. Call me when you need me k (which is never, since she probably has sooooo many other friends to cater to first)." I am really at a loss about what to do.

Because I really want to have a friend in X, who shall represent the individual at the centre of this episode. But if I'm so low down her pecking order, then why hold such high expectations of this relationship? Obviously either I am not good enough, or X just doesn't think I'm important enough to actually be considered for any 'activity' X may have planned.

Of course I would appear UN-platonic since I have to be the one asking to do every bloody thing what!?!??!

Like how I'm sick of being second-choice at everything, I'm sick of being everybody's second-choice friend, or in this case maybe 100000th-choice. Even geeks have their 'first-choice' friends, so why don't I? It's not as if I'm not trying, I really am! All the attempts at self-improvement over the past few months are solely geared toward fulfilling what people usually assume a 'near perfect' person to be. Obviously my basic mould means that I can only reach such a standard, but well. I guess nowadays effort just doesn't count as much if you can't produce the results can it?

If one day I ultimately get discarded completely by X, I think it would be better if I just started the deconstruction process now. Remove all ties, prevent any contact whatsoever.

Because in the end, she's just going to be the one to do it anyway! So what's the bloody difference!?

And because I know X has definitely heard this song before, should you ever reach this point I'd just like to pose a question, to which an honest answer would be appreciated for once,

Have you 'had enough of us?
If I say it's okay and I walk out
Would you let me go would you follow me to the door
Or just sit hoping for more?'

I know we've gone over this time and time again, but actions really speak a lot louder than words.

slau | 9:30 PM

Today showed me that I can survive on coffee, and the need to show her that I really am worth it.

slau | 7:46 PM

I almost forgot this new url. Haha, what else would you expect, since I had been blogging with a different address for...if i remember correctly, 217 posts? Wait lemme check.

Yep, 217 posts.

Feels a little weird suddenly changing over, but I guess it was as necessary as it was apparently unexpected to some people. And what is just as apparent is that people don't seem to notice that the last post on the previous blog really is supposed to give people a go-ahead, and not goad anyone ):

Ah well, the more privacy the better I guess. It was what I was looking for, after all.

Today was a day where I finally got to stay at home and catch up on some sleep. Though the supposed 'family outing' never actually came to fruition I was forced to not go out, and stay at home instead since we were going to church today. So after math I just went back to my room and conked out for about 3 hours. And do I feel good :D

Just had some coffee and my 'drugs' and I feel like I could stay up til 3 if need be, especially since I don't have to wake up early tomorrow as per normal. Time to start working on some H2 now that H3's over, and damn was it a freaking nightmare. Shan't talk about it, or I just might explode lol.

And splatter my brains and blood all over the com screen.

That was grisly.

I guess another question that needs to be answered is the sudden frequency with regard to blogposts. Yes I do realise that I've been posting almost every day recently, but there is a valid reason.

Come to think about it, I don't really know why I'm writing as if I expect people to read this either. Hm. A habit that's hard to change I guess.

Looks a lot more formal too, starting every sentence with caps :D I could get used to this!

Anyhoo, back to the main question at hand: I believe that this can be a way of achieving some backbone for myself, and not have to depend on whining to other people so much to get some much-needed emotional relief that this wonderful life of mine guarantees. As topsy-turvy as it sounds, my way of life really is causing a lot of inconvenience to others who don't deserve it at all, and I can't exactly allow that to happen. What kind of person would that make me? Not much of one I suppose.

This brings to mind the frequently-asked question esp by individuals such as Mr. See Tow Shiun Yang and a certain Gareth Chan who used to ask back in Sec 4 who were men and who were Slaus. Haha. Funny.

Okay, enough chitchat. Math here I come.

And I have this feeling sleep is actually addictive. I feel sleepy again Oo

slau | 7:35 PM

Just came back from training, and my shoulder really isn't letting up T_T so freaking irritated by it I don't want to waste anymore time going back to the stupid gay physio so I just hope that if I hold out long enough it's just gonna heal or get better on its own. Actually it wasn't as bad as compared to previous times, just gotta learn how to warm it up properly. And I suppose doing some strengthening exercises would help as well but the fact that I've been laying off PT for so long just makes it a lot harder xD.

And I've been starting to gain back some of the weight I so painstakingly lost during the hols! Not good! The diet starts now, whether I or anyone else likes it or not. I don't have any choice, being lean must be a permanent kinda thing.

slau | 11:02 PM

And so it ends...my H3 that is.

Can't say that I've enjoyed it very much, in fact I've probably hated every living moment of it. From the irritating heck-care lecturer to the NUS flaming during the introductory session to the stupid self-centred obnoxious bastards from other JCs. This has indeed been a traumatising experience indeed.

But it all comes to a head tomorrow: days of hardcore last minute self-studying has just about made me confident enough of getting a merit, let's not talk about distinctions for now, because those are reserved for people who actually can stomach sitting through 1-2 hours of lectures given by someone who actually thinks 'stuff' is not only pronounced as 'stuffs' but written as 'stuffs' as well. Seriously.

And people can call us obnoxious and stuff(s) as Rafflesians or whatever, but having rubbed shoulders with people from other schools during the H3 lessons, I can't say that that supposed 'pride' that people assume we have isn't justified. If people aren't going to ask/answer questions, then who is oO And when people do ask/answer questions, those people are labelled as weird. Go figure.

Have to find a way to cope with training as well; at least I can find solace in the fact that I haven't been studying much after coming home from the library, so going for training then wouldn't be that big a sacrifice either. But my mom always says, that there are always people who will be studying while I'm training and so I have to work extra hard to match up to them yada yada etc etc but wtheck, if they just wanna burn away their school life burying themselves in books and not give two shits about their CCA record then why is that my problem?

Anyway, we're training for a tournament in JB that's gonna be taking place from July 8-12, too bad it doesn't clash with any of my CT2 papers...that would've been real good. Hopefully nothing much will be covered while I'm gone, otherwise my mom will have all the more reason to complain about my commitments haha.

Just crossing my fingers and hoping I don't fuck up this time.

And I really really just want to be with her. Seriously. I would give up all my A's and all my softball stuff(s) to just be with her. To just be the one she hangs out with 75% of the time.

slau | 11:21 PM

and so a song to start this blog off :D

Reaction
Ace Enders

Oh

So If I ask you to stay
You remind me that your mind's made up
And you've had enough of us, of us
And I'd say

So If I ask you to stay
You'll remind me that your mind's made up
And you had enough of us, of us
And I'd say

Oh I'd say… Wait

I hold my breath and wait for your reaction
Stand my ground 'cause I'm not ready to back down
I know but where could I go
Wait for your reaction, wait for your reaction

Oh

So if I say it's okay and I walk out
Would you let me go would you follow me to the door
Or just sit hoping for more

I know you wonder if it's worth the wait
Or the time that it takes
Every breath that you lost
Every night spent awake
Every moment gets closer
The door's gonna close on you

So I say… Wait

I hold my breath and wait for your reaction
Stand my ground 'cause I'm not ready to back down
I know but where could I go
Wait for your reaction, wait for your reaction

Oh

I hold my breath and wait for your reaction
Stand my ground 'cause I'm not ready to back down
I know but where could I go
Wait for your reaction, wait for your reaction

I hold my breath and wait for your reaction
Stand my ground 'cause I'm not ready to back down
I know but where could I go
Wait for your reaction, wait for your reaction

Oh

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It's kinda repititive, and the tune is really pretty mainstream and unoriginal, but the words really speak to my heart so, this is my song for the day. Which I know doesn't occur very often xD

slau | 9:48 PM