So what ended as a shit day yesterday started as a shit day today and looks like it'll end as a really really shitty day today as well. I guess I couldn't have expected otherwise, my life has really been quite shit right now.
I've heard it been said that you choose your friends. Somehow I would like to beg to differ, and the events that transpired over the past few days could not have convinced me otherwise. I mean, what can I do when people just don't want to be around me? I can be everything that I was meant to be, but if people just aren't alright with who I am at heart, then I guess that's an issue I'd have to take out with God, or Satan, depending on what beliefs I still hold when I jump off from somewhere high enough to shatter my skull.
For now, I just found out that poking oneself with a mechanical pencil can be just as effective at inflicting pain as a penknife. Given my distaste for blood, a penknife wouldn't have been a very viable option as I might well faint before any real hurt is administered, but I realised today that if you use enough strength, and continue doing it for about half an hour like how I did during tuition just now, you end up getting lots of really painful red welts wherever you intend to inflict pain.
Back to friends then. Having gone from "I'll be there for you!" to "I'm here for you, but what's the point if you don't want my help?" to "Hello? Do I still matter anymore?" to "Er. Call me when you need me k (which is never, since she probably has sooooo many other friends to cater to first)." I am really at a loss about what to do.
Because I really want to have a friend in X, who shall represent the individual at the centre of this episode. But if I'm so low down her pecking order, then why hold such high expectations of this relationship? Obviously either I am not good enough, or X just doesn't think I'm important enough to actually be considered for any 'activity' X may have planned.
Of course I would appear UN-platonic since I have to be the one asking to do every bloody thing what!?!??!
Like how I'm sick of being second-choice at everything, I'm sick of being everybody's second-choice friend, or in this case maybe 100000th-choice. Even geeks have their 'first-choice' friends, so why don't I? It's not as if I'm not trying, I really am! All the attempts at self-improvement over the past few months are solely geared toward fulfilling what people usually assume a 'near perfect' person to be. Obviously my basic mould means that I can only reach such a standard, but well. I guess nowadays effort just doesn't count as much if you can't produce the results can it?
If one day I ultimately get discarded completely by X, I think it would be better if I just started the deconstruction process now. Remove all ties, prevent any contact whatsoever.
Because in the end, she's just going to be the one to do it anyway! So what's the bloody difference!?
And because I know X has definitely heard this song before, should you ever reach this point I'd just like to pose a question, to which an honest answer would be appreciated for once,
Have you 'had enough of us?
If I say it's okay and I walk out
Would you let me go would you follow me to the door
Or just sit hoping for more?'
I know we've gone over this time and time again, but actions really speak a lot louder than words.
slau | 9:30 PM
