Always

So I was thinking, what maybe could've been going through Jim Atkins' mind when he penned 'Kill' from OTH? Maybe something like this...?

I've exhausted every possible option I have but she still can't see the truth. Maybe I have to do it in a song if she really is so blind to reality!

And so he starts putting his thoughts and feelings into words:

Kill
by Jimmy Eat World

Well, you're just across the street;
Looks a mile to my feet;
I wanna go to you.
-Yeah, funny how a few tables' worth of space can feel like an eternity to traverse. But I'd still do it to get to you.
Funny how I'm nervous still,
I've always been the easy kill;
I guess I always will.
-But even then, my fears always end up getting the better of me, whatever the circumstances. And how can they not, when everything she does just seems to confirm my suspicions? It isn't hard to shatter my confidence, and to make me feel as if I've done something wrong. Because I've been a mistake for years. Thanks for putting me in many an awkward situation.

Could it be that everything goes 'round by chance,
Chance,
Chance?
-Obviously meeting her was as much a chance encounter as anyone would ever get. I didn't even say anything to her during the first rock concert, or any other CCA meetings. How ironic that the first conversation I started with her was geared toward helping a friend.
Or only one way that it was always meant to be,
Be?
-And with no other links or connections to hold on to, obviously anyone would think that this was destined to fail.
You kill me you always know the perfect thing to say,
Hey hey,
Hey hey.
-She always does, every single time. Maybe she hasn't heard that actions speak louder than words?
I know what I should do but I just,
Can't walk,
Away.
-I can't, never will easily, unless it's what she wants. Which may be a distinct possibility now. There's no knowing what I would do if it really happens. This is not a threat, this is an actuality.

I can picture your face well,
From the bar in my hotel.
-Yeah, probably having fun with a people so much cooler than me.
I wish I'd go to you.
I pick up, put down the phone.
Like your favorite Heatmiser song goes,
It's just like being alone.
-Alone, even when she claims that she'll be there for me. That just won't cut it, really. I can say I'll be there for anyone, but will I?

Oh God, please don't tell me this has been in vain,
Vain.
-Looking stupid, crying my eyes out, spending days on end fretting about the situation, what more does she want from me? What more can I give?
I need answers for what all the waiting I've done means,
Means.
-And even now I wait, to see whether absence really makes the heart grow fonder. Because from past experiences with her, it sure as hell hasn't. Why? Because she has one too many substitutes for a 'friend' like me!
You kill me, you've got some nerve but can't face your mistakes,
-You can only blame your problems on my world for so long
Before it all becomes the same old song

Hey hey,
Hey hey.
I know what I should do but I just, Can't turn,Away,
Away,
Away.

So go on, love,
Leave while there's still hope for escape.
-She probably should have even before the first ties were forged if she never was going to think of me as a real friend.
You gotta take what you can these days;
There's so much ahead and,
So much regret.
-For all the time I've spent, and all my wasted feelings.
I know what you wanna say,
I know what you wanna say,
-I do, really. Who can't tell that she wants to end this!? It's written all over her face! Call me deranged, psychotic, mad. Anything just to prove that I'm the one who's been in the wrong all the while right!? Yeah sure I started it by trying to make moves on her right!?
I know it, but can't help feeling differently,
I loved you,
And I should have said it,
But tell me, just what has it ever meant?
-Exactly that.

I can't help it baby, this is who I am,
Am.
-Someone who actually wants to salvage this friendship. Someone who cannot believe that all this while she was just leading him on. Someone who just wanted to be a friend, is that so wrong!?
I'm sorry but I can't just go turn off how I feel,
Feel.
-She expects me not to be hurt even when the truest of my intentions have been misinterpreted and distorted to an unrecognisable extent. As if she's the only one who can feel sad?
You kill me, you build me up,
But just to watch me break.
-I thought I had a friend to depend on in her. But obviously she has other priorities; too many in fact. Just take advantage of my over reliance now, remove my foundation, erase eveything I believed in.
Hey hey,
Hey hey.
I know what I should do but I just,
Can't walk,Away...

For everything that has been said, there is always twice as much that has been hidden underneath the surface. I cannot find the words to express how distraught, hurt and pained by everything that has happened. Why try to second-guess me? Why doubt whatever I say? Why expose my frailties to people whom it doesn't even concern?

You say you care, you say you want to bother, but talking online every day just isn't a reasonable measure of any kind of friendship really. I have sacrificed, and I am willing to sacrifice so much more, and I don't ask for the same rate of returns, but just a portion. Is that so hard to give?

Even when the opportunity is there, you don't even want to take it. Even when it's right in front of you. Even at the expense of looking weird, and feeling out of place, I still tried my best to make you feel that I was someone that you could depend on, other than your usual group of friends. You say you know that, then why don't you respond to it? Why do I feel like a wasted resource just waiting to be made use of but overlooked time and time again?

And don't blame my supposedly 'cool' friends because it's not their fault. You have your own 'cool' friends as well, and I disregarded any uneasiness so many a time. Sometimes when you really want to get something done, you find that there are so many barriers you would be willing to traverse. But I don't think you have the will to do the same for me.

And it's not as if I don't know where to put a stop to it. I didn't gatecrash your post-finals celebrations even though wang encouraged me to. I don't try to force myself into any one of your cliques. I just kept on asking, time and again, when it seemed as if you had some of it to spare. But I just got the same, old rejection almost every time.

Why!? You keep comparing me to people like your classmates, who see you almost every day of the week. Your clique sees you every morning, and every time they decide to have a gathering. But what about me? I have no connections, so it's obviously going to be damn bloody hard to get any opportunity to spend time with you. But do you take that into account?

Sometimes you just have to admit that you're just too popular to avoid neglecting someone out of your social circle like me. I've tried my best to fit in, I don't think I'm half as friendless as I make myself out to be sometimes. But I am more than willing to sacrifice time with any one of them if you need me to.

But for you, it's a totally different scenario isn't it?

The bottom line is, you say you care. You may even believe that you do. But in spite of all the nights that you've forced yourself to stay up talking to me, do you really?

slau | 6:19 PM