Why am I still awake you may be asking?
Well, all I can say is: desperate times call for desperate measures :P
All this for the 5 A's, for a career, for my life. I wonder if it'll all be worth it in the end. Whether I really am subscribing to my supposed 'greater purpose'. Because the way I've been behaving, I might as well do straight to purgatory now.
Seriously! This is not just a random moment of ethos,I really have been thinking long and hard about what I am supposed to amount to. Maybe writing the portfolio was really a good idea cos it allowed me the opportunity to rethink my life, to paint a picture of what I really should be aiming for. But it all seems too farfetched for now. Why? Because I can't possibly forgive myself. Why? Because some people still can't forgive me.
It's a very unfortunate viscious cycle. You think you are ready to repent, but people just don't want to accept your apologies. Why? Because this world likes to judge. Why? Because everyone thinks they're as smart as the next person. Even the biggest fool on Earth can think he's a bloody genius. That's what this world has come to. Everyone is blind, nobody can see their own flaws for what they really are, and everyone just ends up thinking they're going the right way when everyone's really going every which way except for the right one. And when the blind starts to lead the blind...
You know what happens.
I guess I really haven't gotten over it yet. And maybe I never will? It's hard to tell. On one hand I can't imagine myself possibly giving a thought to it say ten years from now. But just a month ago it seemed to be my most treasured possession.
The problem with something you treasure is that you end up thinking nobody's gonna take it away from you.
Then when you find out you're wrong, it's too too late.
slau | 5:00 AM
